Life, Music

The rabbit hole

was watching Alice in wonderland Cartoon version from the 1950s earlier today…

coming back to Malaysia is my Rabbit Hole… and I want to get out of it…. I have have been pondering this thought that I will never be able to settle down properly after leaving my good friends, stayed overseas in my “home” country… since touching down back to Malaysia… 5 years ago…

Till today.. i still feel like a Foreigner in my country of citizenship.. I guess it’s my passport ,the skin, the blood and that says i am a Malaysian… while my heart, my soul never really felt that way.. it was never settled..

Feels like i am homesick away from home…

Feels like I am all alone here…. Guess I can’t relate to anyone here… or share my deepest thoughts to… even to my family.. I know my God is there to be my comforter, my friend, my father in heaven, my friend, but I guess I don’t have that closeness with anyone here since 5 years back…

No doubt I meet new people and have new friends but friendship takes time to build… and I feel dis-attached

I feel like an outcast…Feels like I am going crazy…

My mix feelings for people has grown and I am developing Punch-Drunk emotions all the time….

When things don’t happen the way it was planned, false promises…

Is there something wrong with me??? Why don’t I get the same respect?

Seriously I am tired of people telling me “maybe” when what they meant was
“I will wait to see if my other friends has something better and more fun offers to do” or just “plain I don’t want to go. Just tell me straight so that i don’t have to waste time to feel this way and get last minute cancellations and false hope…

I guess I don’t get the commitments I deserve when I give so much of my time… I guess I over expect things and become disappointed in the end.

I have feelings that I want to express to the person I admire and a person who I got to know and care so much for in this short time I got to know her… but I can’t. Things run through my mind. I get jealous that you hang out with others more… I get sick of not being able to talk to you, I get pissed off that in the end i am just being used… not for real, as I have been warned that you are poison… which I’ve tried to ignore countless of times cause I hoped and believed that it was not true…

I make time for you, I deferred my plans and arrangements for you . I guess I do not have the courage to tell you how I feel about you.Fear that you don’t feel the same way? I do …

You consume my thoughts and mind.Thoughts of us spending time together..Your hair, your beauty, your smile, your voice,  your imperfectness, my memories and I guess I am not good at showing, expressing and telling you my feelings…

As the date of my departure comes closer.. All the more I don’t know… For this short time we know each other… I feel more that I need you like a addict to a drug…

I guess it’s never wrong that I have had to come back as I have had wonderful and also the most lowest and worst experiences of my life… to have to lose Torrie… It’s all in God’s plan i guess… as I am reminded of His perfect plan for my life..It is a turbulent roller coaster ride…and my personality and though have changeand grown… to be the person I am today…

How far does this Punch-Drunkedness go? How deep has the rabbit hole gone? I don’t know… I just want it to stop… and get away…

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8 thoughts on “The rabbit hole

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    • hey Courtney, Jannet & Denae,

      Apologies for the late replies! Have been getting my life into place the past week! Am feeling much better now! : )

      Thanks for dropping by! I am glad you enjoyed the post!

      Jannet,Courtney: haha sure thing! Here is where I pour out my thoughts and feelings… Call it my online diary haha!

      Denae:sure you can share it on facebook! Add me as a friend as well! 😀

      Best regards,
      Danny

  2. Well, it will really take some adjustments but I do hope that everything will be okay. I know some people who feel the same way so do not worry.

    • hi Cara!

      Thanks for your kind words 😀 Am feeling much better now! I guess my melancholic side has been consuming me as I am usually the Sanguine.. Guess i got the Jackal and Hyde personalities ay? haha

      Things are much better now, adjustments were hard and its taking some getting used to! My new post will be posted by tomorrow on my up tos : )

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Best regards,
      Danny

  3. hey Courtney, Jannet & Denae,

    Apologies for the late replies! Have been getting my life into place the past week! Am feeling much better now! : )

    Thanks for dropping by! I am glad you enjoyed the post!

    Jannet,Courtney: haha sure thing! Here is where I pour out my thoughts and feelings… Call it my online diary haha!

    Denae:sure you can share it on facebook! Add me as a friend as well! 😀

    Best regards,
    Danny

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